*gasp* No? Really?!

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Bottom!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

Yes, I am procrastinating, and lo I return to the blog. Nothing to report really, just uni, work, etc. Planning a road trip for the end of the year, and also probably going to Big Day Out.

Ciao Kiddies.

M

Not a real post...

Check it out- I cried!

Some lame post title...

I dreamed about the ex last night. The most recent one. Not the one I've been hanging out with. (I should develop nicknames for these guys or something.)

Nothing too exciting, just us at a house somewhere, watching tv with a couple of people, me curled up with my head in his lap, my hands wrapped around his arm occasionally or his thigh, it was just really nice and felt great, it made me smile. Very sappy and out of character for me, I know.

There was some random dream weirdness where he had a great rotting wound on his foot, but I got over it pretty quickly. Also out of character!

m

More emo shite...

So I'm in some kind of weird emo-fugue. I am cranky with everyone about everything- best mate just moved to Melbourne, and spent his last day in Brisbane with a girl he claims not to like that much but is sleeping with, rather than his best friend. Former best friend has been avoiding text and calls and seems to like moving to Melbourne best friend better.

Put on 10 kilos, thanks to lithium and eating without thinking, woot. I find solace in shopping and sleeping wherever possible, even though sleeping in the afternoon makes me cranky for the rest of the night.

You'll all be pleased to know I did not sleep with the ex, and have decided not to, though he is still around. We are trying to be friends, which is hard work because he's incredibly high maintenance, and I don't do high maintenance friends. I wonder why I bother sometimes, because it's exhausting, but we have fun together and I think once he gets his mental shit together things will be easier.

I've also had a massive inferiority complex for some reason lately- feeling inferior to my friends, to the trendy dressed people at gigs, feeling left out and insecure.

*sigh*

I am regressing back to highschool!

Bed now,

bye kids

Contrary + one million

So, I have a dilemma. (Pablo, you may want to skip this one, so you don't get the urge to kill me.)

Okay, so there's this ex I have, right. Not the most recent one. It's the one who's bed I woke up in a few weekends ago, though that time we just spooned, it was all (relatively) innocent.

Our relationship was always a bit complicated- I only ever really wanted casual sex from him, and he wanted more from me; at the time I didn't really know how to say no to his wanting more, and it bothered me a lot. I actually reached the point where I refused to hang out with him because the chemistry was too insane- I had zero chance of being friends with him without fooling around with him.

Now, a few years on, we've both been through some different things, and while the first time round fucked me up a lot, I am considering sleeping with him again. Does this make me an idiot? He says he's not interested in getting back together, and I just want sex, so what do you reckon? I really need some help!

Ooops...

I am a terrible terrible drunkard. So, work boy had arranged to come round last night, because he was going to be in the neighbourhood, finishing a group assignment. I however got invited out to the Regatta for free drinkies, which is understandably difficult to pass up. I initially planned to not drink, because I drove the car and would need to get home to see work boy. However, some evil people started waving free champagne right under my nose, and I couldn't resist. So I texted work boy asking if he could come get us. No response for ages, so I just got hammered instead.

Several hours later I texted him to find out what was happening, and he said he would come get us. He did, I was hammered by this point, we oh so nicely requested that he drive our friend home to Auchenflower also, and then us.

So we get home, cuddle and shit, go to bed, and I am extremely drunk by this point. The chemistry is still not great, even with the help of the booze. Oh noes! Then I feel the need to go and throw up, and he doesn't even look after me while I'm doing it! Bitch! Then I go back to bed, we make out, he gets really pushy for action "Just kiss it! Just kiss it!" and I'm not really that into it, being chemistry-less and hammered. So, and my memory gets a little fuzzy here, he leaves. Not quite sure what the conversation about him leaving was, and I didn't see him to the door. Oops!

I have to go to work now, I hope it's not too awkward!

What do you think?

m

Oh dear...

I never learn, do I?

m

Freud would have loved me...

I had the best crazy dreams last night!

The first one was my favourite, in it I was in love with this super hot jock guy (pretty much a replica of the guy who rejected me at the party on Saturday, boo hoo) and he was just as infatuated. Admittedly I think even my dream in love ness was due to regular and thorough shaggings, but what can you do! Everyone else in my dream hated him, because he was a 'big dumb jock' but I was deliriously happy- see Shrink, I can do it, even if only in my dreams!

Then he dissappeared from my dream and I was very sad, spent the next four dreams looking for him. So lame, but so me!

Anyway, the dirt is in the other dreams. Along with some wacky 'dodgeball on a massive scale' dreams, in one of these little scenarios, I had a threesome- with two of my exes- the bad one, and another one I'm still in contact with, and one of them was dominating us both! Weird.

I wonder what it all means? Any thoughts?

Myspace is the vehicle of my discontent....

Fark! I was being good and everything, not torturing myself by reading the ex's myspace, just reading my friends, but I have the misfortune to come across a comment from his ex referencing to a conversation with him.

Jesus!

Fuck!

(Yes, I am aware of how incredibly emo this is. I'm just going to go and cut myself and listen to My Chemical Romance now, okay?)

m

Another list post...

...because I can't be bothered forming proper paragraphs. So there.


Things I Did On The Weekend:

• saw a band I didn't really like
• got extremely hammered
• spooned with an ex (not the most recent one, but the bad one!) (I can't leave those bastards alone, can I?)
  
• crazy-danced to The Grates
• got (presumably) rejected by the boy who raided my toy-drawer- he didn't reply to my text. Bastard.
  
• got rejected by a super hot (although wanker) boy at a party
• got told by the ex-girlfriend of the super hot boy that he has a tiny penis. Sour grapes or not, it's what I wanted to hear!
• was invisible to boys at the RE on sunday. Bastards!

So in sum, not a great weekend over all. Stupid boys! I had fun anyway though, so that's good!

Another list.

My Financial Priorities Right Now

• paying my housemate back
• getting a ticket to Pauhaus festival (wooo The Grates!)
• erm...start saving?

m

Okay, proper adventures for your delectation... (not even sure if that is a word, but oh well!)

So Steph demanded that I post about the sexing, so naturally I went out and got the sexing. Just so she would have something to read. *Grin*

A number of adventures to report from the weekend.

Friday: Hmm, is it sad that I am struggling to remember? Oh yes, now I remember. Went out bowling with some friends, then convinced them to go to the RE. I got kicked out of the RE! Anyone who lives in Brisbane will understand how cool that is- it's bloody hard to get kicked out of there, and I wasn't even pissed! I just fell over my own feet and the bouncer was like 'Right, time for you to go!" Bah. Met a boy though, and had lovely makeouts with him. Came home, threw up, attempted to read Harry Potter whilst intoxicated, failed dismally, went to sleep.

Saturday: Had a date with the mad boy. Yep, still mad, less attractive now. I think my inner biology detects the madness and says 'No, must not procreate with mad people...would engender a race of mental freaks!"

Sunday: Attempted to go to the Caxton Street Seafood Festival to get hammered and see AFL boy's band play, but when we got there the queue wasn't moving, and when I whinged about it to the boy from Friday night he said it was because they weren't selling tickets anymore, due to the festival being too packed. So we gave up on that idea, went to City Backpackers and sat on the balcony drinking and watching the sun set. My friends were making people kiss other people, which was all very highschool, but funny anyway. Was texting the boy from Friday night... let's call him Stripes, and getting a bit annoyed about slow replies, but persisting. Went to the RE asked him if he was still there, and his reply, was, and I quote 'Yeah'. This, predictably, went down like a lead fucking elephant. I was feeling irrationally bummed about being ditched, and was totally not in the mood to pick up somebody else.

Luckily he got in contact, and it turns out he was really hammered, so relatively incapable of responding to messages properly, which was an excuse I accepted readily enough.

So we hung out, I had a touch of grass-is-greenerism because there was this totally hot guy around also, but I recovered, and had a lovely time being pinned to the bar rather intensely by Stripes, which was lovely. We made out, and the chemistry was excellent, he's a little bit rough which is what I like, he was determinedly trying to convince me to take him home, I was umming and aahing as usual, but eventually I was swayed. And aren't I glad I was!

We didn't have sex, but we did lots of other things and boy was he good at them. He raided my toy cabinet though, I warned him not to, but I could see him getting increasingly freaked out as he pulled more and more interesting things out, tee hee, it was funny. (Iif a little worrying, cause I kind of hope to fool around with him again.)

So now we arrive at today, where the guy from work who I like has asked me out for coffee after work tommorrow, and I have a freaking hickey! Stupid Stripes! Luckily not too huge a hickey, so I will just borrow some foundation off my housemate and cross my fingers!

Still slightly concerned that work guy is gay- he has a lot of female friends, just spend 400 bucks on clothes, and likes Pride and Predjudice!

Wish me luck kiddies,

m

A wander down memory lane...

So tonight I went out for cake at Freestyle with a former potential fuckbuddy. Yes, you read that right. I met him in October after breaking up with the ex for the first time, he's pretty hot, has a lovely AFL body and most excellent stomach, is fun enough, plus he plays guitar in a band, which I love, cause I adore talented guys. Anyway, I was hoping to maybe resume our little casual thing, but alas I got turned down- he is dating someone and likes her, which is fair enough.

Still frustrating though- I want sex, with someone I have good chemistry with! At the moment those options are AFL boy or Gray, and neither is particularly likely. Finding someone new with good chemistry is so hard. AFL's chemistry was good, but Gray's was electric...I tell you, just sucking on his finger sent shivers down my spine.

Hmm, that's all.

m

Why hello there....

So my date went well... it wasn't on the same level as the dates with Gray were, (that is, awesome) but I had fun. He is indeed mad, but it was a reasonably entertaining kind of mad. We had a little adventure gallivanting from bar to bar around the city, and time passed quickly, which is good. Certainly not boyfriend material, but fun to date.

I think I don't really have feelings for my housemate, it's just my brain being all weird and exploring options...I am just being a bit mental about it for no real reason, that's all. I could never date him...I said I wanted a more manly guy than the ex, but he's a little too blokey even for me.

Whee, I think I just found Gray's profile on a dating website. Should I message him? Eep! *is scared* Well, I messaged him. I texted him actually, a week or so ago, and no reply. Of course I am telling myself he has gotten a new phone since then. Ha, ha, isn't self delusion fun? Oh well, we will see if he replies.

Still like the boy at work, nothing new to report there other than I think I may have sussed out that he doesn't have a girlfriend. At least, when I asked him if he went to the Law Ball with his friends, he said yeah. So maybe no girlfriend.

*busy looking at Gray's profile photo* Christ, I had forgotten how hot he was. And how much of a crush I had on him. Okay, maybe I didn't forget that last part. Remembered every minute of it. But yeah. Manic now, tee hee. I don't think I would want to date Gray again, perhaps just have a casual arrangement, because our chemistry was sizzling!

The ex is frustrating me also, just being difficult when I am trying to organize to exchange our stuff. And now his msn name is 'this is getting over you' to which my (internal) response is 'Great, thanks asshole.'

Boys eh? Who'd have em!

m

Eep!

I have a date tonight! With a boy who is quite possibly mad!

I met him at the Vic on ANZAC day, and he was either slightly mad, or completely hammered. Hopefully the second option.

Also in further complications:

I had phone sex with an ex last night.

I am possibly developing feelings for my housemate.

I like a boy at work.

Yes, I can't do anything the easy way, that's right.

I'll keep you posted on all of the above.

m

*sigh*

Texted a friend to see if he was having any Friday night festivities, but of course he's at my ex's drinking. *sigh* I got a little twisty pang in my tummy, I don't know if it's from not being included (which of course I wouldn't be) or just the whole ex thing. I don't know, it just sucks right now. Usually I think I am making real progress in getting over it, but there are still moments like this one where it just sucks, and I kind of wish things could just go back to the way they were before.

m

Just an update...

Just so you know, I'm still humming along. Not much urge to blog lately, I guess not much to say. I've been out once or twice. Last weekend I threw up into my housemate's hand. Charm plus! Went out last night, but I wasn't really into it and came home early, after being generally disinterested in the guys there.

I miss the ex, I'm still wondering if I made a mistake breaking up with him. It sucks.

m

...and again....

So I broke up with the boy again. *sigh* Having doubts right now, of course, just trying to ignore them. I hope I made the right choice.

m

Trials of life etc...

Just an update for those of you who were curious.

It's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday. Yesterday I was so low I went for an appointment at the counsellor's at uni, and today I went for an emergency appointment to see my shrink, as I couldn't tolerate being so low anymore. He swapped my meds to lithium, so yay, I'm on the same medication Kurt Cobain wrote about. Lithium takes a couple of weeks to work, but I've had a nice placebo effect making me a bit cheerier, (although not much) and have killer stomach pains, yay to side effects that kick in before the actual effect does.

Still questioning my relationship, still nitpicky about irrational things like how he doesn't type all gramatically correct and the like, and about the way his voice sounds when he's dealing with unfamiliar people or situations. They seem really petty don't they? I wish I wasn't nitpicky about them but I don't know how to stop. Apparently I have problems with intimacy, and finding fault is sure a good way to try and find an excuse to not have to be intimate anymore. Even though I want to be, in my concious mind- want to be madly in love with him, want to spend time with him, want to cuddle him and play with his hair and stroke his forehead, all of that.

Hmm, that sounded almost sappy, didn't it? See, I can do it sometimes.

Well, that's really all kids.

m

WARNING: This is going to be a sad, mopey wallowing in misery post.

So I'm feeling a bit blah right now, mostly thanks to Zyprexa induced weight gain- I am not liking it at all. My clothes are starting to not fit, and I am generally feeling quite blah and flabby, not helped by my constant sugar cravings (thanks Zyprexa!) and increased appetite.

I don't know, am just feeling an overwhelming desire to lead a 'normal' life, and not be on medication that makes me fat. I am starting to feel like I will never be able to have a 'good' life, looking into the future and feeling like I am always going to be struggling with this disease.

I know for the weight gain at least I just have to exercise more, but like most people I am lazy, and I am even less likely than most people to be able to force myself into doing things I don't want to do (ie. exercise).

Well, that's really all I've got to say. So I'll probably leave it at that.

m

So I've been back in the country for a couple of days now...

just too lazy to post about it.

That's all, nothing else to report other than Zyprexa is making me fat, New Zealand is very cold and full of yummy chocolates, and I have nothing further to say.

m

I seed a whale!

I went whale watching this morning, it was pretty cool. Literally, as it was bloody fucking freezing, and the ocean was hugely choppy, so the boat was coming up and crashing down like...well, like a big uppy downy crashy thing. I can't complain though, coz the other option would have been cancelling the trip, which would sucko majoro. The whales (sperm whales) were cool, I guess, in as much as seeing one tenth of any animal could be considered 'cool'. The dolphins were better- made me wish I'd forked out my 130 bucks fordolphin swimming instead. Although given the weather I suppose we probably would have been cancelled.


Plus *squee* I met Ross Noble! In Kaikoura, a teeny tourist town in the middle of nowhere- got my photo with him and everythings! I am going to see his show tonight now.

I am in Christchurch now. Civilization is nice.

m

Travelogging plus....

So tommorrow I jet (well, actually boat) off to the South Island, for a whirlwind tour. Seven days of whirlwind, to be precise. This whirlwindyness is a result of the rail pass I bought only lasting seven days. Which is major sucko, and now I only get to spend an afternoon and night in Kaikoura, not a full day. Oh well.

I am super emo today, it's predictably shithouse- just been stressing about various things, and by various things I mean 'nitpicking at my relationship with the boy'. Today's nitpick, the tone of the email he sent me, which I thought was too 'matey' and not 'girlfriendy' enough. Even though previously I have said I don't like that 'sappy shit' and have freaked out when emotions get too emotiony on me. So wrap your head around that one, if you please. I think it has something to do with the title of this blog, non?

I'm blaming the emo on having a few drinks last night, even though it was only two premixes. I seem to be over sensitive to alcohol and this is making me seriously consider just not drinking anymore. My life was perfectly entertaining for 18 years without booze, I can do it, surely? I don't know, I just seem to get so down after I drink, it doesn't always seem worth it, no matter how fun the giddy happy buzz of being drunk is.

Speaking of emos, this town doesn't have any. Which is not so surprising, it is a one shopping centre town. But it is still a shock to the system that most young people here dress normally. I know, startling stuff!

Anyway, I am going to stop haunting the internet in search of cheeriness now.

Ciao kids.

m

Because all the cool kids fall back on lists when they can't be bothered with proper posts....

Things about New Zealand:

• The people here are very literal. Advertising in Aussieland seems subtle compared to here, especially the anti-drink driving type things- like there's a billboard here in New Plymouth that says "Don't buy drink for under 18s." No fuss with catchy slogans, just the message. Simpler that way, I guess.


• The supermarket here is super high tech- instead of little paper labels for prices on the shelves, they have digital ones- like the display on a clock. It's hella cool!

• Okay, so I can't think of anything else. Here's something I prepared earlier.

UV light is my friend. I am the stripeyness.

From New Zealand D...

You put the POO... in the DOG. See? In its mouth. Just like a real dog! Much better than those boring bins we have back in Oz.

From New Zealand D...

More photos through that link if you're interested.

m

Travelogging....

Day 1:

Arrive in New Zealand. Have to pay shuttle driver despite booking and paying for shuttle online in advance. Have to climb over other sleeping people and their crap in the dark to get to my top bunk in the hostel. Have to sleep in single bed with my ginormous backpack. Set alarm.

Wake up, luckily before alarm time as phone has run out of battery. Have to find ATM as having to pay the shuttle driver put me short of cash for the hostel. First ATM doesn't let me get cash. Cue intense panic that maybe my card doesn't work here, I'm stuck in Auckland with no money and no phone, etc. Second ATM fine, panic ceases.

Pay for hostel, check out, struggle to get backpack on, trudge to bus terminal. Faff around for a while. Order ham and cheese toasted sandwich for breakfast. Wonder how they managed to get so many variations on 'tasteless' on one sandwich. Put bag in locker. Go to internet cafe, planning to use webtext to message boyfriend. Discover that I don't know boyfriend's mobile number, and with dead phone, can't get it. Grumble. Faff around on internet. Grumble some more about various aspects of travelling.

The end.

Exciting, non?

m

So true...

A quote from the best webcomic ever:

'"Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good" and 'jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you!"'

Hehe, so true.

m

Fun with pharmaceuticals....

Afternoonish, Boyfriend's Kitchen:

Boyfriend: Do you want a chocolate muffin?
Me: YES!!! MUFFIN NOOOOOOW....
Boyfriend: Oh, actually...I don't think it's a good idea that you have one.
Me: *disgusted muffin crazed glare* WHY?
Boyfriend: Well... when I made them we kinda ran out of regular butter. So I had to use the Green butter instead. So they're special muffins.
Me: *hysterical laughter*


Also, we attempted drugged zombie sex- I took a Dolased for my headache (first foray into the world of sedative + painkiller!) and zonked out while still awake from about eight thirty. We went to bed, he took a Stillnox (sleeping tablet) and we chatted for about half an hour, and then I decided (naturally) that I wanted sex. But it was less sex, and more zombies crashing body parts into one another- think all those zombie movies when there are just TOO MANY in one room. We were TOO MANY for one bed. Or something. We ultimately failed at sex, but were un-phased and relatively content to roll over and pass out.


m

Gotta fly Quaaaaaaantasss, gotta fly Quaaaaaantasss....

The internet says I'm autistic! I scored 33. After watching the documentary about The Woman Who Thought Just Like a Cow, I suspected, but now I am sure. (PS, Not actually sure.)
How weird. It does explain a lot though.

m

The dentist removes his fist from my rectum...... now....

Fuck! Six cavities! FUCK!

*ahem*

Six cavities, at $95 dollars a pop, plus a cleaning and scaling or something for $75. I am SCREWED. I got none of it done today, of course, too poor, but Jesus H Christ that's a lot of money. I thought the uni dentist was supposed to be cheap?!

I rang Brisbane Dental Hospital about the free dental they supposedly provide if you have a health care card, but unless it's emergency pain-relief dental the waiting list is 18 months. Yes, you read correctly- 18 fucking months! Sweet Jesus.

I got all emo in the dentist chair too, after he told me how many cavities. Fucking me being fucking emo, don't cry at the fucking dentist losergirl! *ahem*

GARRRRRRH.

m

...and a meme to distract you from my lack of content...

Pinched from Adam.

Four jobs I’ve had:
Retail whore- whoring, at various times, mobile phones, gps systems, and pdas. (Yes, I am well nerdy.)
Promo girl (also known as...whore. Kidding, kidding.)
Tutor. Look at me, nerdy mc nerd.
Fish and chip shop/convenience store bitch.

Four places I’ve lived:
Brisbane (currently)
New Zealand.
Saudi Arabia.
Erm, actually that's all.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
American Beauty
Amelie
Madagascar
The Grudge

Four TV shows I love:
Sex and the City
Weeds
Black Books
Little Britain

Four places I’ve vacationed:
Mombasa, Africa
Lorne, Victoria
Various Places, The USA
Phuket, Thailand

Four of my favorite dishes:
Butter chicken, cous cous and papadums.
Variations on a theme of chunky soup/stews.
Eye fillet, creamy garlic mash and wilted baby spinach.
Eggs benedict.

Four sites I visit daily:
Gmail.
Webcrosswords.com.
Blogger.
Questionable Content.

Four places I would rather be right now:
The boy's. Doing rude things. Tee hee.
Um, somewhere on the beach.
In kiwiland with my grandparents!
Eating lindor balls just about anywhere, as long as there aren't too many people.

In case you were wondering...

I have decided to refrain from posting about the whole getting back with the boy thing in any great detail just yet- suffice to say that we are back together now, for almost a week, and things are okay. When I'm with him we have a lovely time, with lots of cuddling and giggling and some excellent sex, it's only when I get by myself that I engage in my habitual questioning my feelings about him and freaking out.

I might post in more detail about it at some point, but right now I'll wait til I see my shrink on Thursday, see what he says about it all. I don't know.

m

It's not a lie...

cars really do run out of petrol. REALLY! What happens when you keep driving with the light on for ages and ages is that the car just won't go anywhere. I am now an expert on this phenomenon. Or, at least, no longer a virgin with it. Whoops.

Luckily I was

a) In the Toowong Village Carpark and
b) Only just done reversing out of my park and
c) Not alone, so I had someone to push my car for me, back into the park,(Cheers Z!) and
d) We were close to a petrol station, so it didn't matter that I never bothered to renew my Roadside Assist membership last October.

Well, that was my little adventure for the day.

Head fuzzy, no more bloggy today.

m

Triple J Hottest 100

Once again the most torturous part of the year is upon me- voting for the Hottest 100. This process drives me mad, but I need to do it. I find I always have the same problems when voting. Some questions I have asked myself (or others) while voting:

-If I really liked a hugely popular song (say, Black Fingernails, Red Wine) should I not vote for it, confident that others will, thus saving one of my valuable *snigger* votes for another, lesser known band?

-If one of said lesser known bands (say, The Audreys) gets into the Hottest 100, but with songs that aren't even in the list of my favourites for the year, should I still vote for them anyway, just so the band gets some recognition?

-If I love really obscure tiny songs that nobody else will vote for, should I still vote for them, or is this pointless? If only smaller bands could have preferences like in the proper elections- that way at least if I was voting Love Outside Andromeda I would know I wasn't voting My Chemical Romance. Muahaha.

Okay, without further ado, my ten selections for the Hottest 100 this year:

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
Grates - 19-20-20
Audreys - Oh Honey
Butterfingers - Get Up Outta The Dirt
Infadels - Love Like Semtex
Love Outside Andromeda - Sparrow
Matisyahu - King Without A Crown
Placebo - Song To Say Goodbye
We Are Scientists - Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt
Winnie Coopers - Geek Manifesto

And if I had to pick just one favourite out of that... ... ... okay brain, I'm sorry, I take it back. That would be way too hard. So I guess that's my top ten songs for the year, kiddies!

m

PS. The other long post explaining things is in the works. Need to have coherent thoughts about things in order to blog about em, m'kay?

Incoherent Rambling; The Question- To get back together, or not?

So much has happened since I last blogged that I don't really know where to begin. So here's me just starting anyway.

Things are confusing (mostly through my own actions) and it's stressing me out a little. I've kind of cooled off on Gray- he has been demonstrating how self-absorbed he is of late, and he's also a little extroverted for my taste. To give you some examples, and to justify, feel free to comment:

1. He did not send me a personalized Christmas text message- I got a group message... which is a little bit shitty given we have been dating and stuff- it only takes a minute and I am kinda big on stuff like that. Is that un-reasonable of me?

2. Actually, fuck lists...there are a lot of little things, but I don't need to justify myself- suffice to say he is too self-absorbed and not attentive enough for me.

So why are things complicated?

Well, on both Christmas night and New Years Eve I slept with my ex. Lets call him P.

I've not mentioned him much here but P is the best ex I've had- a really sweet guy, caring and giving and very tolerant of my insanity. We broke up because I thought that I didn't like him as much as I should- that was about three months ago. Since breaking up we've only seen each other a few times, not through any dislike, but just because it was still a bit painful, especially for him.

Each time I saw P since we broke up, we were interacting really closely, orienting our bodies toward each other, really focused, with that intense intimacy that I think is pretty common between people and their exes. Although I'm not sure about that- what do you think?

Christmas night a mutual friend of ours had a party, and P was there, and I don't know what it was but from the minute I walked in my attention was pretty much focused solely on him. We went for a walk together to get mixers, and didn't stop talking to each other the whole night, catching up I guess and ignoring everyone else- for me there may as well not have been anyone else there. We got conned into a game of Trivial Pursuit (yes, I didn't want to play, I really was distracted) and I barely noticed it. So we ended up cuddling and kissing and wound up back at my place.

New Years Eve: Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, now a little lost and confused- if it had only happened once I could write it off as a mistake or an accident, but I knew it would probably happen New Years, and I let it.

I really don't know what to do- I don't want to hurt him by messing him around- I can't keep sleeping with him at every social occasion we're both at, unless I want it to be more serious, and that's the thing I'm not sure about it. Even before we slept together I had been missing him a lot- after actually seeing him and spending time with him I had been starting to appreciate his good qualities even more, certainly more than I did when we were going out. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get back together only to break up again a few weeks later, with both of us a little bit more messed up than we already were.

I am different from what I was when we were together- at the time I hadn't been diagnosed with bipolar, only with depression and anxiety, and consequently for almost the entirety of our relationship I was being medicated with pills that were actually making my condition worse- and given that bipolar makes me swing between mania (intense agitation, anxiety and irritability) and depression, I wonder if things would be different now that I am being medicated properly.

I don't know, I'm so mixed up about it- I just see all these qualities in him that I didn't really appreciate when we were together, and now I really see them. Also many of the things that irritated me about him at the time seem completely irrational, and I wonder how much of them were just due to the bipolar, which makes things irritate me that normally wouldn't.

I know I can't decide based on just our last two interactions- both were in big social situations, and except for the first hour or so we were both getting steadily more intoxicated, which changes things a lot. I would like to spend more time with him one on one, not drinking, and see how it is, but he said the other night that he thinks he still likes me too much to see me socially easily, so I may not be able to do that. I also don't want to get his hopes up if it's going to turn out to be nothing, although I guess it's too late for that, given that even though we slept together, it was very clear that it wasn't just about the sex- we both said how much we missed each other and missed spending time together, and the morning after Christmas night just felt so nice and relaxed, not at all awkward, it was just like the old days, and it was so good.

I can picture us as we were, hanging out and spending time together, cooking for each other (mostly him cooking for me) and lazing around in his room on the weekends listening to music, cuddling up on the couch and watching movies, stuff like that. Even the stuff that we didn't really get to do much, because sometimes I was so depressed I didn't want to do anything- going for picnics and going op-shopping and to the beach.

At the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to be his girlfriend again- as with all relationships there were things that weren't so good- I was always frightened by the fact that he liked boys too, (even though now with Gray being the same I am apparently okay with it) and I didn't really like either of his best mates at all- I actually actively disliked them. I guess that's pretty minor, not liking his house/best mates- it might be nice to get along well with everybody in your boyfriend's life but you can't have everything.

I don't know, I don't want to be going back just because I'm lonely or anything like that, but I don't think it's that, I've not really been that lonely, what with all the attention and all.

I don't know- I know this has been a long post, so if you've stuck to it thus far I appreciate it, and would love to hear your thoughts on the whole thing if you wanna give them.

m