Incoherent Rambling; The Question- To get back together, or not?

So much has happened since I last blogged that I don't really know where to begin. So here's me just starting anyway.

Things are confusing (mostly through my own actions) and it's stressing me out a little. I've kind of cooled off on Gray- he has been demonstrating how self-absorbed he is of late, and he's also a little extroverted for my taste. To give you some examples, and to justify, feel free to comment:

1. He did not send me a personalized Christmas text message- I got a group message... which is a little bit shitty given we have been dating and stuff- it only takes a minute and I am kinda big on stuff like that. Is that un-reasonable of me?

2. Actually, fuck lists...there are a lot of little things, but I don't need to justify myself- suffice to say he is too self-absorbed and not attentive enough for me.

So why are things complicated?

Well, on both Christmas night and New Years Eve I slept with my ex. Lets call him P.

I've not mentioned him much here but P is the best ex I've had- a really sweet guy, caring and giving and very tolerant of my insanity. We broke up because I thought that I didn't like him as much as I should- that was about three months ago. Since breaking up we've only seen each other a few times, not through any dislike, but just because it was still a bit painful, especially for him.

Each time I saw P since we broke up, we were interacting really closely, orienting our bodies toward each other, really focused, with that intense intimacy that I think is pretty common between people and their exes. Although I'm not sure about that- what do you think?

Christmas night a mutual friend of ours had a party, and P was there, and I don't know what it was but from the minute I walked in my attention was pretty much focused solely on him. We went for a walk together to get mixers, and didn't stop talking to each other the whole night, catching up I guess and ignoring everyone else- for me there may as well not have been anyone else there. We got conned into a game of Trivial Pursuit (yes, I didn't want to play, I really was distracted) and I barely noticed it. So we ended up cuddling and kissing and wound up back at my place.

New Years Eve: Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, now a little lost and confused- if it had only happened once I could write it off as a mistake or an accident, but I knew it would probably happen New Years, and I let it.

I really don't know what to do- I don't want to hurt him by messing him around- I can't keep sleeping with him at every social occasion we're both at, unless I want it to be more serious, and that's the thing I'm not sure about it. Even before we slept together I had been missing him a lot- after actually seeing him and spending time with him I had been starting to appreciate his good qualities even more, certainly more than I did when we were going out. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get back together only to break up again a few weeks later, with both of us a little bit more messed up than we already were.

I am different from what I was when we were together- at the time I hadn't been diagnosed with bipolar, only with depression and anxiety, and consequently for almost the entirety of our relationship I was being medicated with pills that were actually making my condition worse- and given that bipolar makes me swing between mania (intense agitation, anxiety and irritability) and depression, I wonder if things would be different now that I am being medicated properly.

I don't know, I'm so mixed up about it- I just see all these qualities in him that I didn't really appreciate when we were together, and now I really see them. Also many of the things that irritated me about him at the time seem completely irrational, and I wonder how much of them were just due to the bipolar, which makes things irritate me that normally wouldn't.

I know I can't decide based on just our last two interactions- both were in big social situations, and except for the first hour or so we were both getting steadily more intoxicated, which changes things a lot. I would like to spend more time with him one on one, not drinking, and see how it is, but he said the other night that he thinks he still likes me too much to see me socially easily, so I may not be able to do that. I also don't want to get his hopes up if it's going to turn out to be nothing, although I guess it's too late for that, given that even though we slept together, it was very clear that it wasn't just about the sex- we both said how much we missed each other and missed spending time together, and the morning after Christmas night just felt so nice and relaxed, not at all awkward, it was just like the old days, and it was so good.

I can picture us as we were, hanging out and spending time together, cooking for each other (mostly him cooking for me) and lazing around in his room on the weekends listening to music, cuddling up on the couch and watching movies, stuff like that. Even the stuff that we didn't really get to do much, because sometimes I was so depressed I didn't want to do anything- going for picnics and going op-shopping and to the beach.

At the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to be his girlfriend again- as with all relationships there were things that weren't so good- I was always frightened by the fact that he liked boys too, (even though now with Gray being the same I am apparently okay with it) and I didn't really like either of his best mates at all- I actually actively disliked them. I guess that's pretty minor, not liking his house/best mates- it might be nice to get along well with everybody in your boyfriend's life but you can't have everything.

I don't know, I don't want to be going back just because I'm lonely or anything like that, but I don't think it's that, I've not really been that lonely, what with all the attention and all.

I don't know- I know this has been a long post, so if you've stuck to it thus far I appreciate it, and would love to hear your thoughts on the whole thing if you wanna give them.

m