Fun with pharmaceuticals....

Afternoonish, Boyfriend's Kitchen:

Boyfriend: Do you want a chocolate muffin?
Me: YES!!! MUFFIN NOOOOOOW....
Boyfriend: Oh, actually...I don't think it's a good idea that you have one.
Me: *disgusted muffin crazed glare* WHY?
Boyfriend: Well... when I made them we kinda ran out of regular butter. So I had to use the Green butter instead. So they're special muffins.
Me: *hysterical laughter*


Also, we attempted drugged zombie sex- I took a Dolased for my headache (first foray into the world of sedative + painkiller!) and zonked out while still awake from about eight thirty. We went to bed, he took a Stillnox (sleeping tablet) and we chatted for about half an hour, and then I decided (naturally) that I wanted sex. But it was less sex, and more zombies crashing body parts into one another- think all those zombie movies when there are just TOO MANY in one room. We were TOO MANY for one bed. Or something. We ultimately failed at sex, but were un-phased and relatively content to roll over and pass out.


m

Gotta fly Quaaaaaaantasss, gotta fly Quaaaaaantasss....

The internet says I'm autistic! I scored 33. After watching the documentary about The Woman Who Thought Just Like a Cow, I suspected, but now I am sure. (PS, Not actually sure.)
How weird. It does explain a lot though.

m

The dentist removes his fist from my rectum...... now....

Fuck! Six cavities! FUCK!

*ahem*

Six cavities, at $95 dollars a pop, plus a cleaning and scaling or something for $75. I am SCREWED. I got none of it done today, of course, too poor, but Jesus H Christ that's a lot of money. I thought the uni dentist was supposed to be cheap?!

I rang Brisbane Dental Hospital about the free dental they supposedly provide if you have a health care card, but unless it's emergency pain-relief dental the waiting list is 18 months. Yes, you read correctly- 18 fucking months! Sweet Jesus.

I got all emo in the dentist chair too, after he told me how many cavities. Fucking me being fucking emo, don't cry at the fucking dentist losergirl! *ahem*

GARRRRRRH.

m

...and a meme to distract you from my lack of content...

Pinched from Adam.

Four jobs I’ve had:
Retail whore- whoring, at various times, mobile phones, gps systems, and pdas. (Yes, I am well nerdy.)
Promo girl (also known as...whore. Kidding, kidding.)
Tutor. Look at me, nerdy mc nerd.
Fish and chip shop/convenience store bitch.

Four places I’ve lived:
Brisbane (currently)
New Zealand.
Saudi Arabia.
Erm, actually that's all.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
American Beauty
Amelie
Madagascar
The Grudge

Four TV shows I love:
Sex and the City
Weeds
Black Books
Little Britain

Four places I’ve vacationed:
Mombasa, Africa
Lorne, Victoria
Various Places, The USA
Phuket, Thailand

Four of my favorite dishes:
Butter chicken, cous cous and papadums.
Variations on a theme of chunky soup/stews.
Eye fillet, creamy garlic mash and wilted baby spinach.
Eggs benedict.

Four sites I visit daily:
Gmail.
Webcrosswords.com.
Blogger.
Questionable Content.

Four places I would rather be right now:
The boy's. Doing rude things. Tee hee.
Um, somewhere on the beach.
In kiwiland with my grandparents!
Eating lindor balls just about anywhere, as long as there aren't too many people.

In case you were wondering...

I have decided to refrain from posting about the whole getting back with the boy thing in any great detail just yet- suffice to say that we are back together now, for almost a week, and things are okay. When I'm with him we have a lovely time, with lots of cuddling and giggling and some excellent sex, it's only when I get by myself that I engage in my habitual questioning my feelings about him and freaking out.

I might post in more detail about it at some point, but right now I'll wait til I see my shrink on Thursday, see what he says about it all. I don't know.

m

It's not a lie...

cars really do run out of petrol. REALLY! What happens when you keep driving with the light on for ages and ages is that the car just won't go anywhere. I am now an expert on this phenomenon. Or, at least, no longer a virgin with it. Whoops.

Luckily I was

a) In the Toowong Village Carpark and
b) Only just done reversing out of my park and
c) Not alone, so I had someone to push my car for me, back into the park,(Cheers Z!) and
d) We were close to a petrol station, so it didn't matter that I never bothered to renew my Roadside Assist membership last October.

Well, that was my little adventure for the day.

Head fuzzy, no more bloggy today.

m

Triple J Hottest 100

Once again the most torturous part of the year is upon me- voting for the Hottest 100. This process drives me mad, but I need to do it. I find I always have the same problems when voting. Some questions I have asked myself (or others) while voting:

-If I really liked a hugely popular song (say, Black Fingernails, Red Wine) should I not vote for it, confident that others will, thus saving one of my valuable *snigger* votes for another, lesser known band?

-If one of said lesser known bands (say, The Audreys) gets into the Hottest 100, but with songs that aren't even in the list of my favourites for the year, should I still vote for them anyway, just so the band gets some recognition?

-If I love really obscure tiny songs that nobody else will vote for, should I still vote for them, or is this pointless? If only smaller bands could have preferences like in the proper elections- that way at least if I was voting Love Outside Andromeda I would know I wasn't voting My Chemical Romance. Muahaha.

Okay, without further ado, my ten selections for the Hottest 100 this year:

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
Grates - 19-20-20
Audreys - Oh Honey
Butterfingers - Get Up Outta The Dirt
Infadels - Love Like Semtex
Love Outside Andromeda - Sparrow
Matisyahu - King Without A Crown
Placebo - Song To Say Goodbye
We Are Scientists - Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt
Winnie Coopers - Geek Manifesto

And if I had to pick just one favourite out of that... ... ... okay brain, I'm sorry, I take it back. That would be way too hard. So I guess that's my top ten songs for the year, kiddies!

m

PS. The other long post explaining things is in the works. Need to have coherent thoughts about things in order to blog about em, m'kay?

Incoherent Rambling; The Question- To get back together, or not?

So much has happened since I last blogged that I don't really know where to begin. So here's me just starting anyway.

Things are confusing (mostly through my own actions) and it's stressing me out a little. I've kind of cooled off on Gray- he has been demonstrating how self-absorbed he is of late, and he's also a little extroverted for my taste. To give you some examples, and to justify, feel free to comment:

1. He did not send me a personalized Christmas text message- I got a group message... which is a little bit shitty given we have been dating and stuff- it only takes a minute and I am kinda big on stuff like that. Is that un-reasonable of me?

2. Actually, fuck lists...there are a lot of little things, but I don't need to justify myself- suffice to say he is too self-absorbed and not attentive enough for me.

So why are things complicated?

Well, on both Christmas night and New Years Eve I slept with my ex. Lets call him P.

I've not mentioned him much here but P is the best ex I've had- a really sweet guy, caring and giving and very tolerant of my insanity. We broke up because I thought that I didn't like him as much as I should- that was about three months ago. Since breaking up we've only seen each other a few times, not through any dislike, but just because it was still a bit painful, especially for him.

Each time I saw P since we broke up, we were interacting really closely, orienting our bodies toward each other, really focused, with that intense intimacy that I think is pretty common between people and their exes. Although I'm not sure about that- what do you think?

Christmas night a mutual friend of ours had a party, and P was there, and I don't know what it was but from the minute I walked in my attention was pretty much focused solely on him. We went for a walk together to get mixers, and didn't stop talking to each other the whole night, catching up I guess and ignoring everyone else- for me there may as well not have been anyone else there. We got conned into a game of Trivial Pursuit (yes, I didn't want to play, I really was distracted) and I barely noticed it. So we ended up cuddling and kissing and wound up back at my place.

New Years Eve: Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, now a little lost and confused- if it had only happened once I could write it off as a mistake or an accident, but I knew it would probably happen New Years, and I let it.

I really don't know what to do- I don't want to hurt him by messing him around- I can't keep sleeping with him at every social occasion we're both at, unless I want it to be more serious, and that's the thing I'm not sure about it. Even before we slept together I had been missing him a lot- after actually seeing him and spending time with him I had been starting to appreciate his good qualities even more, certainly more than I did when we were going out. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get back together only to break up again a few weeks later, with both of us a little bit more messed up than we already were.

I am different from what I was when we were together- at the time I hadn't been diagnosed with bipolar, only with depression and anxiety, and consequently for almost the entirety of our relationship I was being medicated with pills that were actually making my condition worse- and given that bipolar makes me swing between mania (intense agitation, anxiety and irritability) and depression, I wonder if things would be different now that I am being medicated properly.

I don't know, I'm so mixed up about it- I just see all these qualities in him that I didn't really appreciate when we were together, and now I really see them. Also many of the things that irritated me about him at the time seem completely irrational, and I wonder how much of them were just due to the bipolar, which makes things irritate me that normally wouldn't.

I know I can't decide based on just our last two interactions- both were in big social situations, and except for the first hour or so we were both getting steadily more intoxicated, which changes things a lot. I would like to spend more time with him one on one, not drinking, and see how it is, but he said the other night that he thinks he still likes me too much to see me socially easily, so I may not be able to do that. I also don't want to get his hopes up if it's going to turn out to be nothing, although I guess it's too late for that, given that even though we slept together, it was very clear that it wasn't just about the sex- we both said how much we missed each other and missed spending time together, and the morning after Christmas night just felt so nice and relaxed, not at all awkward, it was just like the old days, and it was so good.

I can picture us as we were, hanging out and spending time together, cooking for each other (mostly him cooking for me) and lazing around in his room on the weekends listening to music, cuddling up on the couch and watching movies, stuff like that. Even the stuff that we didn't really get to do much, because sometimes I was so depressed I didn't want to do anything- going for picnics and going op-shopping and to the beach.

At the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to be his girlfriend again- as with all relationships there were things that weren't so good- I was always frightened by the fact that he liked boys too, (even though now with Gray being the same I am apparently okay with it) and I didn't really like either of his best mates at all- I actually actively disliked them. I guess that's pretty minor, not liking his house/best mates- it might be nice to get along well with everybody in your boyfriend's life but you can't have everything.

I don't know, I don't want to be going back just because I'm lonely or anything like that, but I don't think it's that, I've not really been that lonely, what with all the attention and all.

I don't know- I know this has been a long post, so if you've stuck to it thus far I appreciate it, and would love to hear your thoughts on the whole thing if you wanna give them.

m