Hey guess what!

I still haven't had sex with the ex. Aren't I good? I want cookies for this, bitches! I have nearly killed him at several points (or encouraged him to kill himself, you know) but haven't -actually- done so.

Did I mention I live with him now?

Yeah, I know, stupidest idea ever. I am in NZ at the moment but I am looking to move out of his place at the soonest available opportunity. I haven't been blogging since I moved in because I know he will snoop around to find this blog. (He is a hardcore nerd.) But yeah, things are okay. Except that after the last argument I impressively stormed out of the country, instead of just out of the house. (Thanks, Mastercard.)

I am also currently unemployed, making my flagrant Mastercard abuse very stupid but there you go.

New Zealand is lovely, the weather is lovely (I hear Brisbane is drowning, which is bad) and I'm having a nice argument-free time at my grandparents, staying up late to torture certain boys on the internet. Actually just one. *waves*

That's all for now, just letting you (my non-existent readers) know that I am still alive.

Ciao kiddies,

m

Some lame post title...

I dreamed about the ex last night. The most recent one. Not the one I've been hanging out with. (I should develop nicknames for these guys or something.)

Nothing too exciting, just us at a house somewhere, watching tv with a couple of people, me curled up with my head in his lap, my hands wrapped around his arm occasionally or his thigh, it was just really nice and felt great, it made me smile. Very sappy and out of character for me, I know.

There was some random dream weirdness where he had a great rotting wound on his foot, but I got over it pretty quickly. Also out of character!

m

Contrary + one million

So, I have a dilemma. (Pablo, you may want to skip this one, so you don't get the urge to kill me.)

Okay, so there's this ex I have, right. Not the most recent one. It's the one who's bed I woke up in a few weekends ago, though that time we just spooned, it was all (relatively) innocent.

Our relationship was always a bit complicated- I only ever really wanted casual sex from him, and he wanted more from me; at the time I didn't really know how to say no to his wanting more, and it bothered me a lot. I actually reached the point where I refused to hang out with him because the chemistry was too insane- I had zero chance of being friends with him without fooling around with him.

Now, a few years on, we've both been through some different things, and while the first time round fucked me up a lot, I am considering sleeping with him again. Does this make me an idiot? He says he's not interested in getting back together, and I just want sex, so what do you reckon? I really need some help!

Ooops...

I am a terrible terrible drunkard. So, work boy had arranged to come round last night, because he was going to be in the neighbourhood, finishing a group assignment. I however got invited out to the Regatta for free drinkies, which is understandably difficult to pass up. I initially planned to not drink, because I drove the car and would need to get home to see work boy. However, some evil people started waving free champagne right under my nose, and I couldn't resist. So I texted work boy asking if he could come get us. No response for ages, so I just got hammered instead.

Several hours later I texted him to find out what was happening, and he said he would come get us. He did, I was hammered by this point, we oh so nicely requested that he drive our friend home to Auchenflower also, and then us.

So we get home, cuddle and shit, go to bed, and I am extremely drunk by this point. The chemistry is still not great, even with the help of the booze. Oh noes! Then I feel the need to go and throw up, and he doesn't even look after me while I'm doing it! Bitch! Then I go back to bed, we make out, he gets really pushy for action "Just kiss it! Just kiss it!" and I'm not really that into it, being chemistry-less and hammered. So, and my memory gets a little fuzzy here, he leaves. Not quite sure what the conversation about him leaving was, and I didn't see him to the door. Oops!

I have to go to work now, I hope it's not too awkward!

What do you think?

m

Oh dear...

I never learn, do I?

m

Myspace is the vehicle of my discontent....

Fark! I was being good and everything, not torturing myself by reading the ex's myspace, just reading my friends, but I have the misfortune to come across a comment from his ex referencing to a conversation with him.

Jesus!

Fuck!

(Yes, I am aware of how incredibly emo this is. I'm just going to go and cut myself and listen to My Chemical Romance now, okay?)

m

Okay, proper adventures for your delectation... (not even sure if that is a word, but oh well!)

So Steph demanded that I post about the sexing, so naturally I went out and got the sexing. Just so she would have something to read. *Grin*

A number of adventures to report from the weekend.

Friday: Hmm, is it sad that I am struggling to remember? Oh yes, now I remember. Went out bowling with some friends, then convinced them to go to the RE. I got kicked out of the RE! Anyone who lives in Brisbane will understand how cool that is- it's bloody hard to get kicked out of there, and I wasn't even pissed! I just fell over my own feet and the bouncer was like 'Right, time for you to go!" Bah. Met a boy though, and had lovely makeouts with him. Came home, threw up, attempted to read Harry Potter whilst intoxicated, failed dismally, went to sleep.

Saturday: Had a date with the mad boy. Yep, still mad, less attractive now. I think my inner biology detects the madness and says 'No, must not procreate with mad people...would engender a race of mental freaks!"

Sunday: Attempted to go to the Caxton Street Seafood Festival to get hammered and see AFL boy's band play, but when we got there the queue wasn't moving, and when I whinged about it to the boy from Friday night he said it was because they weren't selling tickets anymore, due to the festival being too packed. So we gave up on that idea, went to City Backpackers and sat on the balcony drinking and watching the sun set. My friends were making people kiss other people, which was all very highschool, but funny anyway. Was texting the boy from Friday night... let's call him Stripes, and getting a bit annoyed about slow replies, but persisting. Went to the RE asked him if he was still there, and his reply, was, and I quote 'Yeah'. This, predictably, went down like a lead fucking elephant. I was feeling irrationally bummed about being ditched, and was totally not in the mood to pick up somebody else.

Luckily he got in contact, and it turns out he was really hammered, so relatively incapable of responding to messages properly, which was an excuse I accepted readily enough.

So we hung out, I had a touch of grass-is-greenerism because there was this totally hot guy around also, but I recovered, and had a lovely time being pinned to the bar rather intensely by Stripes, which was lovely. We made out, and the chemistry was excellent, he's a little bit rough which is what I like, he was determinedly trying to convince me to take him home, I was umming and aahing as usual, but eventually I was swayed. And aren't I glad I was!

We didn't have sex, but we did lots of other things and boy was he good at them. He raided my toy cabinet though, I warned him not to, but I could see him getting increasingly freaked out as he pulled more and more interesting things out, tee hee, it was funny. (Iif a little worrying, cause I kind of hope to fool around with him again.)

So now we arrive at today, where the guy from work who I like has asked me out for coffee after work tommorrow, and I have a freaking hickey! Stupid Stripes! Luckily not too huge a hickey, so I will just borrow some foundation off my housemate and cross my fingers!

Still slightly concerned that work guy is gay- he has a lot of female friends, just spend 400 bucks on clothes, and likes Pride and Predjudice!

Wish me luck kiddies,

m

A wander down memory lane...

So tonight I went out for cake at Freestyle with a former potential fuckbuddy. Yes, you read that right. I met him in October after breaking up with the ex for the first time, he's pretty hot, has a lovely AFL body and most excellent stomach, is fun enough, plus he plays guitar in a band, which I love, cause I adore talented guys. Anyway, I was hoping to maybe resume our little casual thing, but alas I got turned down- he is dating someone and likes her, which is fair enough.

Still frustrating though- I want sex, with someone I have good chemistry with! At the moment those options are AFL boy or Gray, and neither is particularly likely. Finding someone new with good chemistry is so hard. AFL's chemistry was good, but Gray's was electric...I tell you, just sucking on his finger sent shivers down my spine.

Hmm, that's all.

m

Why hello there....

So my date went well... it wasn't on the same level as the dates with Gray were, (that is, awesome) but I had fun. He is indeed mad, but it was a reasonably entertaining kind of mad. We had a little adventure gallivanting from bar to bar around the city, and time passed quickly, which is good. Certainly not boyfriend material, but fun to date.

I think I don't really have feelings for my housemate, it's just my brain being all weird and exploring options...I am just being a bit mental about it for no real reason, that's all. I could never date him...I said I wanted a more manly guy than the ex, but he's a little too blokey even for me.

Whee, I think I just found Gray's profile on a dating website. Should I message him? Eep! *is scared* Well, I messaged him. I texted him actually, a week or so ago, and no reply. Of course I am telling myself he has gotten a new phone since then. Ha, ha, isn't self delusion fun? Oh well, we will see if he replies.

Still like the boy at work, nothing new to report there other than I think I may have sussed out that he doesn't have a girlfriend. At least, when I asked him if he went to the Law Ball with his friends, he said yeah. So maybe no girlfriend.

*busy looking at Gray's profile photo* Christ, I had forgotten how hot he was. And how much of a crush I had on him. Okay, maybe I didn't forget that last part. Remembered every minute of it. But yeah. Manic now, tee hee. I don't think I would want to date Gray again, perhaps just have a casual arrangement, because our chemistry was sizzling!

The ex is frustrating me also, just being difficult when I am trying to organize to exchange our stuff. And now his msn name is 'this is getting over you' to which my (internal) response is 'Great, thanks asshole.'

Boys eh? Who'd have em!

m

Eep!

I have a date tonight! With a boy who is quite possibly mad!

I met him at the Vic on ANZAC day, and he was either slightly mad, or completely hammered. Hopefully the second option.

Also in further complications:

I had phone sex with an ex last night.

I am possibly developing feelings for my housemate.

I like a boy at work.

Yes, I can't do anything the easy way, that's right.

I'll keep you posted on all of the above.

m

*sigh*

Texted a friend to see if he was having any Friday night festivities, but of course he's at my ex's drinking. *sigh* I got a little twisty pang in my tummy, I don't know if it's from not being included (which of course I wouldn't be) or just the whole ex thing. I don't know, it just sucks right now. Usually I think I am making real progress in getting over it, but there are still moments like this one where it just sucks, and I kind of wish things could just go back to the way they were before.

m

Just an update...

Just so you know, I'm still humming along. Not much urge to blog lately, I guess not much to say. I've been out once or twice. Last weekend I threw up into my housemate's hand. Charm plus! Went out last night, but I wasn't really into it and came home early, after being generally disinterested in the guys there.

I miss the ex, I'm still wondering if I made a mistake breaking up with him. It sucks.

m

...and again....

So I broke up with the boy again. *sigh* Having doubts right now, of course, just trying to ignore them. I hope I made the right choice.

m

Trials of life etc...

Just an update for those of you who were curious.

It's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday. Yesterday I was so low I went for an appointment at the counsellor's at uni, and today I went for an emergency appointment to see my shrink, as I couldn't tolerate being so low anymore. He swapped my meds to lithium, so yay, I'm on the same medication Kurt Cobain wrote about. Lithium takes a couple of weeks to work, but I've had a nice placebo effect making me a bit cheerier, (although not much) and have killer stomach pains, yay to side effects that kick in before the actual effect does.

Still questioning my relationship, still nitpicky about irrational things like how he doesn't type all gramatically correct and the like, and about the way his voice sounds when he's dealing with unfamiliar people or situations. They seem really petty don't they? I wish I wasn't nitpicky about them but I don't know how to stop. Apparently I have problems with intimacy, and finding fault is sure a good way to try and find an excuse to not have to be intimate anymore. Even though I want to be, in my concious mind- want to be madly in love with him, want to spend time with him, want to cuddle him and play with his hair and stroke his forehead, all of that.

Hmm, that sounded almost sappy, didn't it? See, I can do it sometimes.

Well, that's really all kids.

m

In case you were wondering...

I have decided to refrain from posting about the whole getting back with the boy thing in any great detail just yet- suffice to say that we are back together now, for almost a week, and things are okay. When I'm with him we have a lovely time, with lots of cuddling and giggling and some excellent sex, it's only when I get by myself that I engage in my habitual questioning my feelings about him and freaking out.

I might post in more detail about it at some point, but right now I'll wait til I see my shrink on Thursday, see what he says about it all. I don't know.

m

Incoherent Rambling; The Question- To get back together, or not?

So much has happened since I last blogged that I don't really know where to begin. So here's me just starting anyway.

Things are confusing (mostly through my own actions) and it's stressing me out a little. I've kind of cooled off on Gray- he has been demonstrating how self-absorbed he is of late, and he's also a little extroverted for my taste. To give you some examples, and to justify, feel free to comment:

1. He did not send me a personalized Christmas text message- I got a group message... which is a little bit shitty given we have been dating and stuff- it only takes a minute and I am kinda big on stuff like that. Is that un-reasonable of me?

2. Actually, fuck lists...there are a lot of little things, but I don't need to justify myself- suffice to say he is too self-absorbed and not attentive enough for me.

So why are things complicated?

Well, on both Christmas night and New Years Eve I slept with my ex. Lets call him P.

I've not mentioned him much here but P is the best ex I've had- a really sweet guy, caring and giving and very tolerant of my insanity. We broke up because I thought that I didn't like him as much as I should- that was about three months ago. Since breaking up we've only seen each other a few times, not through any dislike, but just because it was still a bit painful, especially for him.

Each time I saw P since we broke up, we were interacting really closely, orienting our bodies toward each other, really focused, with that intense intimacy that I think is pretty common between people and their exes. Although I'm not sure about that- what do you think?

Christmas night a mutual friend of ours had a party, and P was there, and I don't know what it was but from the minute I walked in my attention was pretty much focused solely on him. We went for a walk together to get mixers, and didn't stop talking to each other the whole night, catching up I guess and ignoring everyone else- for me there may as well not have been anyone else there. We got conned into a game of Trivial Pursuit (yes, I didn't want to play, I really was distracted) and I barely noticed it. So we ended up cuddling and kissing and wound up back at my place.

New Years Eve: Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, now a little lost and confused- if it had only happened once I could write it off as a mistake or an accident, but I knew it would probably happen New Years, and I let it.

I really don't know what to do- I don't want to hurt him by messing him around- I can't keep sleeping with him at every social occasion we're both at, unless I want it to be more serious, and that's the thing I'm not sure about it. Even before we slept together I had been missing him a lot- after actually seeing him and spending time with him I had been starting to appreciate his good qualities even more, certainly more than I did when we were going out. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get back together only to break up again a few weeks later, with both of us a little bit more messed up than we already were.

I am different from what I was when we were together- at the time I hadn't been diagnosed with bipolar, only with depression and anxiety, and consequently for almost the entirety of our relationship I was being medicated with pills that were actually making my condition worse- and given that bipolar makes me swing between mania (intense agitation, anxiety and irritability) and depression, I wonder if things would be different now that I am being medicated properly.

I don't know, I'm so mixed up about it- I just see all these qualities in him that I didn't really appreciate when we were together, and now I really see them. Also many of the things that irritated me about him at the time seem completely irrational, and I wonder how much of them were just due to the bipolar, which makes things irritate me that normally wouldn't.

I know I can't decide based on just our last two interactions- both were in big social situations, and except for the first hour or so we were both getting steadily more intoxicated, which changes things a lot. I would like to spend more time with him one on one, not drinking, and see how it is, but he said the other night that he thinks he still likes me too much to see me socially easily, so I may not be able to do that. I also don't want to get his hopes up if it's going to turn out to be nothing, although I guess it's too late for that, given that even though we slept together, it was very clear that it wasn't just about the sex- we both said how much we missed each other and missed spending time together, and the morning after Christmas night just felt so nice and relaxed, not at all awkward, it was just like the old days, and it was so good.

I can picture us as we were, hanging out and spending time together, cooking for each other (mostly him cooking for me) and lazing around in his room on the weekends listening to music, cuddling up on the couch and watching movies, stuff like that. Even the stuff that we didn't really get to do much, because sometimes I was so depressed I didn't want to do anything- going for picnics and going op-shopping and to the beach.

At the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to be his girlfriend again- as with all relationships there were things that weren't so good- I was always frightened by the fact that he liked boys too, (even though now with Gray being the same I am apparently okay with it) and I didn't really like either of his best mates at all- I actually actively disliked them. I guess that's pretty minor, not liking his house/best mates- it might be nice to get along well with everybody in your boyfriend's life but you can't have everything.

I don't know, I don't want to be going back just because I'm lonely or anything like that, but I don't think it's that, I've not really been that lonely, what with all the attention and all.

I don't know- I know this has been a long post, so if you've stuck to it thus far I appreciate it, and would love to hear your thoughts on the whole thing if you wanna give them.

m

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away....

.....there was a green young girl of 17. This innocent young thing went along with her beau to the 18th birthday of a friend. At the party, the couple did party things like sipping tea and eating cucumber and watercress sandwiches, and discussing the weather. Things proceeded as they usually did at such events, with the girl getting bored of talking about Metallica with her beau and his friends, so she wanders off to mingle.

Now the birthday girl of this party was known for being wild and having somewhat out of the ordinary interests. Our protagonist knew of this, and was intrigued by it- her present to the birthday girl had been a book of somewhat risque literature-our protagonist having some specialised knowledge of such things.

In addition to the literature and many other gifts, the birthday girl was given something that was rather a hit at the party- a lovely black leather riding crop.

Now, you may be surprised to learn that the birthday girl was not fond of horses, and that in fact the crop was intended for rather a different kind of riding.

At the time our protagonist began to mingle, this implement was being wielded by a certain young man; rather expertly in fact, on the backsides of other party guests.

Our protagonist lingers at the edges of proceedings until the young man in question notices her.

"Your turn?" He asks, holding out his hand. Our protagonist flushes, embarrassed but intrigued and emboldened by Malibu mixers, so she nods and steps forward.

He leads her out of the crowd and directs her to bend over. She does, and feels his hand warm and firm on her back, leaning her further foward. She giggles nervously and nods as he asks her if she's ready.

She bites her lip and trembles as the first of the warm up strokes falls on her jeans. She hears the crowd giggle and murmur, but keeps looking shyly at the floor.

She jumps with a start as a small spot of burning pain blossoms on her skin- and a nanosecond after her brain manages to process the whooshing sound of the crop slicing through the air.

More spots blossom, and she shivers, pain and the watching audience setting her primal reptilian brain on fire. A few more strokes and it's over- the moment has passed, and she smiles and stands, chatting briefly with her punisher and the audience before going back to her friends, her boyfriend, and her life.

******

Well, motherfuckers, guess who that riding crop wielding young man was? Yep, you guessed it, Gray!

That incident started a huge shit-fight with my boyfriend of the time (my first, actually) as he wasn't so impressed with the whole 'letting strange boys spank me with a riding crop while he was outside' thing. Unfortunately, loveable as he was he was terribly vanilla in the bedroom, so he was a little threatened by the whole situation.

Anyway, I had forgotten this little incident. (Oh, obviously, our protagonist = me.) However, Gray and I have some people in common- we discovered in one of our early conversations that he went to the same highschool as my first boyfriend and a girlfriend of mine, in the year above them, so that caused a nice 'Aww, isn't Brisbane a small place!' moment. In conversation he mentioned a friend of his, and I said "Oh, Friend, I know her, I went to her 18th." Gray looks at me and says "Hey, me too!" and I think, how odd, we were at the same party once and I don't even recall. There were plenty of people there so I guess it's not that odd. We chatted on about inconsequential things for a bit, as you do, and then he pauses, and looks at me.

"Were you a lot blonder then than you are now?" I nod and grin and say yes.

"Were you wearing blue jeans at the party?"

"I don't know. More than likely, they were my uniform back then."

Gray's face lights up, he grins and I can see the memory rushing into the front of his mind.

"I spanked you with a riding crop at that party!"

(At this point my brain implodes in an Amelie style moment of electrical signals whizzing between synapses as everything in the whole world seems weirdly connected.)

"Oh my lord, I so remember!" I freak out. We discuss, giggly and flushed, (mostly me) and pleased. What do you call that? Serendipity? Luck? Freakish coincidence?

I liked it, anyway. And the longer I go for the more I remember- the feel of his hand on my back, more importantly, the lovely dark things that stirred in my mind as he bent me over. What a lovely auspicious start to our interactions.

*grin*

m

The Waiting Game...

I'm starting to lose patience with Gray. We didn't have our date Thursday- he got a new job and had to work; fair enough, but I've crossed the border from anticipation into the dull grind of waiting.

I don't enjoy the waiting game with him, even the little victories of recieving a text first are paling compared to the fact that I have to wait for them. Even when he texts me first, and I reply, his response to mine can take days, literally. I do not enjoy this. I know he works nights, being a bartender, and then sleeps most of the day, I understand that, but I don't have to like it.

The fact that I've waited this long speaks of something, anyway. Would you believe it's been more than two weeks since we've actually been face to face? A month since I met him, and two weeks of nothing more than the occasional text is driving me mad, to say the least. Well, actually it's not... the vast majority of the time I am cool and unflustered, it's just today I'm a little irritated.

I guess there's no rush, and it's no big deal- it's not like I'm holding myself from seeing some other boy while I wait. It's just an experiencing co-occurring with the rest of my life. Relax.

He's a little hot/cold with the messages, if this is consistent behaviour, whatever 'relationship' we have won't last- I can't abide people that run hot and cold, most especially because I am one, and I need my other half to have that gentle abiding tolerance that makes me able to come back again and again. I know that's asking a lot, and is a little hypocritical, but that's the way it is. There are a lot of good things I can say for The Ex, and that's one- he was always patient and giving with me, which I really appreciated. I can't see Gray doing the same, although it's hard to say, I don't know him that well after all. But hey, maybe I need something different?

In case you can't tell, I am blogging to avoid texting, although I'm not really too sure why I should be avoiding- this power game often seems pointless and needlessly frustrating- after all, after playing it for two weeks I should have more than proved to myself that he does text me if I don't text him?

I don't know. I just know I don't like this waiting.

m

The Game....

EDIT 8:36 am, Thursday: The following post is now completely pointless, given that I recieved a text message from Gray at the arsehole of the morning today. However, I'm keeping it. Read it if you like, or don't.

m

So I have more or less decided that this time, with this boy, I am going to try and play The Waiting Game. (IE Not message him, and wait for him to message me.)

I know I already kinda had, with the waiting for him to message me, but up til now I had previously been like 'Well yeah, that's a nice idea but I'll probably crack soon.' and had just accepted that as a given.

So now (unless somebody talks me out of it) I am just going to be good and sit tight until he messages me. Apparently this 'playing hard to get' drives boys crazy- and lordy do I want this boy to be crazy about me, cause then maybe he will be a little bit more considerate. (Hmm, there's some faulty logic I don't want to examine too closely.)

I have been informed by a source (a boy, of course) that I can expect to wait up to about a week and a half. This thought is a little scary- I'm not sure I can last that long! And surely if he takes that long to message it means he doesn't like me? I don't really like these games, but given that my previous strategies with boys I've liked haven't worked, I'm willing to try something new.

However it's pretty hard to have this kind of security- I guess the idea is to not care whether he messages me or not, but that seems impossible. Regardless of how unsure I am about whether he is 'boyfriend material' or whatever, I am pretty unlikely to just stop caring about whether he likes me! I can't really keep myself busy either, because I am poor beyond all recognition. (PBAR!)

Oh well. Wish me luck kiddies. Any advice on how to maintain this?

m

Spring fever....

Must... not...destroy...advantage...by messaging... to ask Gray to make out! *nggggh*

m