Eep!

I have a date tonight! With a boy who is quite possibly mad!

I met him at the Vic on ANZAC day, and he was either slightly mad, or completely hammered. Hopefully the second option.

Also in further complications:

I had phone sex with an ex last night.

I am possibly developing feelings for my housemate.

I like a boy at work.

Yes, I can't do anything the easy way, that's right.

I'll keep you posted on all of the above.

m

*sigh*

Texted a friend to see if he was having any Friday night festivities, but of course he's at my ex's drinking. *sigh* I got a little twisty pang in my tummy, I don't know if it's from not being included (which of course I wouldn't be) or just the whole ex thing. I don't know, it just sucks right now. Usually I think I am making real progress in getting over it, but there are still moments like this one where it just sucks, and I kind of wish things could just go back to the way they were before.

m

...and again....

So I broke up with the boy again. *sigh* Having doubts right now, of course, just trying to ignore them. I hope I made the right choice.

m

Trials of life etc...

Just an update for those of you who were curious.

It's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday. Yesterday I was so low I went for an appointment at the counsellor's at uni, and today I went for an emergency appointment to see my shrink, as I couldn't tolerate being so low anymore. He swapped my meds to lithium, so yay, I'm on the same medication Kurt Cobain wrote about. Lithium takes a couple of weeks to work, but I've had a nice placebo effect making me a bit cheerier, (although not much) and have killer stomach pains, yay to side effects that kick in before the actual effect does.

Still questioning my relationship, still nitpicky about irrational things like how he doesn't type all gramatically correct and the like, and about the way his voice sounds when he's dealing with unfamiliar people or situations. They seem really petty don't they? I wish I wasn't nitpicky about them but I don't know how to stop. Apparently I have problems with intimacy, and finding fault is sure a good way to try and find an excuse to not have to be intimate anymore. Even though I want to be, in my concious mind- want to be madly in love with him, want to spend time with him, want to cuddle him and play with his hair and stroke his forehead, all of that.

Hmm, that sounded almost sappy, didn't it? See, I can do it sometimes.

Well, that's really all kids.

m

WARNING: This is going to be a sad, mopey wallowing in misery post.

So I'm feeling a bit blah right now, mostly thanks to Zyprexa induced weight gain- I am not liking it at all. My clothes are starting to not fit, and I am generally feeling quite blah and flabby, not helped by my constant sugar cravings (thanks Zyprexa!) and increased appetite.

I don't know, am just feeling an overwhelming desire to lead a 'normal' life, and not be on medication that makes me fat. I am starting to feel like I will never be able to have a 'good' life, looking into the future and feeling like I am always going to be struggling with this disease.

I know for the weight gain at least I just have to exercise more, but like most people I am lazy, and I am even less likely than most people to be able to force myself into doing things I don't want to do (ie. exercise).

Well, that's really all I've got to say. So I'll probably leave it at that.

m

Travelogging plus....

So tommorrow I jet (well, actually boat) off to the South Island, for a whirlwind tour. Seven days of whirlwind, to be precise. This whirlwindyness is a result of the rail pass I bought only lasting seven days. Which is major sucko, and now I only get to spend an afternoon and night in Kaikoura, not a full day. Oh well.

I am super emo today, it's predictably shithouse- just been stressing about various things, and by various things I mean 'nitpicking at my relationship with the boy'. Today's nitpick, the tone of the email he sent me, which I thought was too 'matey' and not 'girlfriendy' enough. Even though previously I have said I don't like that 'sappy shit' and have freaked out when emotions get too emotiony on me. So wrap your head around that one, if you please. I think it has something to do with the title of this blog, non?

I'm blaming the emo on having a few drinks last night, even though it was only two premixes. I seem to be over sensitive to alcohol and this is making me seriously consider just not drinking anymore. My life was perfectly entertaining for 18 years without booze, I can do it, surely? I don't know, I just seem to get so down after I drink, it doesn't always seem worth it, no matter how fun the giddy happy buzz of being drunk is.

Speaking of emos, this town doesn't have any. Which is not so surprising, it is a one shopping centre town. But it is still a shock to the system that most young people here dress normally. I know, startling stuff!

Anyway, I am going to stop haunting the internet in search of cheeriness now.

Ciao kids.

m

Gotta fly Quaaaaaaantasss, gotta fly Quaaaaaantasss....

The internet says I'm autistic! I scored 33. After watching the documentary about The Woman Who Thought Just Like a Cow, I suspected, but now I am sure. (PS, Not actually sure.)
How weird. It does explain a lot though.

m

Dreams, the dejas and the vus....

G'day everyone,

I had my very first dream about a blogger! It was Steph, and I hardly remember anything of it, except that she was talking about how much she went jogging and I was feeling ashamed of my lack of exercise. (Yeah, I know you were totally all hoping for something rude. Sorry!)

I was also thinking about my most common recurring dream. This will probably disgust you to a great degree, so I urge you stop reading now. In this dream, I have a cold, and I blow my nose, and into the tissue comes out the thickest greenest snot you've ever seen in your life. And I keep blowing, and it just keeps coming and coming until I end up chucking out the tissues and just pulling it out in thick green ropes of snot, with my bare hands, all the while I'm coughing and choking because I can't breathe and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. What do you think it means? Maybe I've got sleep apnea or something.

Also, on Saturday night...actually, Sunday morning, with Gray, I had the most severe deja vu I've ever had in my life. (Seriously, click that link, it's fascinating stuff!) I get deja vu relatively often, apparently- I'd say at least once a month, this was probably the most intense one I remember. Apart from being suggestive of an unstable mind and possible temporal lobe disorder, I find the whole phenomena utterly fascinating- brain shit is so weird, yo!

Anyway, this particular incident occurred with Gray. We were lying in his bed, alternatively watching Invader Zim, chatting, and making out. Something he said, the position of our bodies, the layout of the room, something set me off and suddenly I'm awash with deja vu, the sense that sometime, somehow, I'd done this exact thing with this person, in this place, before. I don't need to describe it to you really, most of you have felt it, and it's fucking weird.

What's your most recent deja vu?

A shrinky dinky dinky...a shrinky dinky doo...

So lots of things sort of tiddling (Yes, I know that's a shit word.) through my head right now, after my trip to the shrink. Yes, in case you don't know, I see a shrink once a week. Mostly for being bipolar, but if you believe my shrink, also for issues relating to my (physically) distant father and my emotionally unavailable mother. Yes, my shrink has the entire collected works of Freud in his office.

Anyway, I usually have lots to think about after the shrink, and instead of rambling I am going to make a nice list:

1) Is it normal to feel uncomfortable/kinda creeped out talking to my shrink?
2) Do I really fall for people specifically because they are emotionally unavailable to me?
3) Do I really believe all this Freud bullshit anyway?
4) Is it really a warning sign of something bad that Gray picks me up on it when I use incorrect English? My shrink thinks so, but while it annoyed me, I asked Gray about it and he reckoned it was just a defence mechanism he uses when he's intimidated. Hmm, *shrug* dunno.
5) Do I maybe want a different shrink, because I disagree a lot with this one and also he creeps me out- when he says that he wants me to be able to lean on him (emotionally) my brain just says 'hellls noooooo'?

Okay, so some of those weren't quite questions. Eh, who cares.

Here's another nice list, in the theme of the post, entitled:

Songs That Have Dragged Me Through Some Tough Times

1. Matisyahu- King Without A Crown (live, the one on the album is shite)
2. Matisyahu - Lord Raise Me Up (In case you were wondering, no, I am not even slightly religious.)
3. Ben Harper - Better Way
4. Butterfingers - Get Up Outta The Dirt
5. The Grates- Trampoline (whee bouncy!)

Okay... I am going to go bounce around the house to silly happy music now...

Oh, and in case you were wondering- I'm going to call Gray tonight to ask for another date. Wish me luck!

m